"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them""
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble"
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos"
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a Water Buffalo with a pea-shooter"
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer .. Bristow's only 27"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko - like a Sherman Tank on roller skates"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - badly in need of a second leg"
"If Jockey's mam's got the chips on now there'll be fat all over the formica"
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch"
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